Showing posts with label blah. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blah. Show all posts

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Medication Misappropriation Mitigation

Note: Anyone here from smwcentral, or who doesn't care about it, can skip the first paragraph bellow if they want, it's mostly background info on this blog post.

There is a sub-forum on smwcentral that I often find myself drawn to for reasons that sometimes elude even me. It's basically a place for people to discuss real life issues which usually degenerates into emotional teens angsting over weather they should talk to a girl (hint: if your that torn up about it maybe your too emotionally immature to handle a relationship), although lots of people do bring up real issues. So, since I happen to have a real life problem (as opposed to the many nitpicks and gripes I have with various works of fiction, and political rants that no one cares about), I decided "Hey, why don't I post about my issue! It will give me an excuse to do more then bank my head on the desk at stupid teens and try to come up with meaningless advice for issues that don't have an easy solution!" So I started to write down my issue, and ended up with something much longer and less on topic then I intended. So I decided to post a short version and dump most of it here instead. This isn't the first time this has happened. And honestly if I keep making rants like this one it may be better off to do it more often or use PMs (I am sticking by my decision to post that there for now, even if I could have handled it better).

Anyway, I have been feeling sick lately. And when I mean feeling sick, I mean feeling dizzy and nauseous instead of just the headaches and sinus problems I have been having for years. I am pretty sure I know why I am sick too. About a month ago, I started taking Ritalin (or to be more exact a generic equivalent). Which I should add, was my idea. Yeah yeah, I know it was pushed on a bunch of kids that didn't need it, but it still has it's uses. I suggested it as a possible replacement to Adderall (again, a generic equivalent) that I dropped because I don't feel it was helping me.

I felt sick then, and didn't feel it was having the intended effect and wasn't exactly sure the sickness wouldn't go away as I got used to it. So this month, I doubled the dose and planed to drop it at the end of the month if I didn't have better results. I may stop it earlier then that now actually, but I think I can hold out till then.

It should be worth noting that I was long ago diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome (insert hugbox joke here). But really, I long ago decided Asperger's syndrome is just too broad and vague a label to treat, so I have mostly been just focusing on seeing if there is a drug to help me overcome my crippling inability to get shit done.

Said inability I contribute to the following factors:
  • Lack of focus.
  • Lack of satisfaction in completing tasks.
  • Pessimistic thinking.
  • Getting obsessive about minor details.
  • Dissociative thinking.
  • General inability to emotionally invest in things

So I am wondering if there is I haven't tried (Prozac, Wellbutrin, Adderall, Ritalin) that has helps with these problems. Because if not, I think I will just give up on drugs for now until some magical drug comes along and fixes all my problems. And maybe also a drug to transform by body into that of a little girl. Because heck, while we are on the subject of unrealistic wish fulfillment, why think small?

You know what the thing is though? I don't think I am actually "depressed" as such. Maybe I am medically depressed, as in my brain chemistry is out of whack, but I am not suicidal, I am pessimistic about the outcome of tasks but not about much else, and despite having to put up with a host of daily annoyances I think at the end of the day life is worth it. I contribute all this to a generally affirming philosophical outlook on life.

So it just goes to show, bullshit philosophical nonsense has more to do with your outlook on life then you might think.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Randumb

And now, random thought theater:

Really I think one of the biggest problems with the universe is people think there is a problem with the universe. There is just no real ideal state and people assume something is wrong because it's not "perfect". But the universe works exactly the way it's intended to. It's just a chaotic place and it's us who sort things into "good" and "bad". So really, I wish people would realize there is no "way it is meant to be", and instead focus on the "way it could be".

I had a dream a while ago that I was a friend with a sort of artsy-fartsy musician type. He experimented with different sounds and musical styles and asked me if I had any interesting suggestions for his next song. The answer I came up with is something I would really like to see done. Basically I suggested the next time he came up with a song, to document his creative process and the various revisions from first writing it down or entering it into a computer to each major revision and addition, as well as documenting all the tools, programs, and sound sources he used. I really think that would be neat to see. I woke up shortly after so I didn't really see the result in my dream though.

I wrote a review on the Quest For Glory series the other day, mostly talking about how it avoided a lot of the pitfalls of the adventure game genre and added a interesting new spin on it with roleplaying game stuff. I also wrote a review of One Must Fall a while ago. Both introduce lots of character growth and customization to a otherwise rather uninteresting genre. I guess I just like that sort of thing.

Going way way back, Roger Ebert (who should need no introduction) once made comments about video games not being art (which he has since party taken back). I have already ranted about if they could or not, and came with the conclusion that they could (but not always for the reasons people expect). But thats not what I wanted to comment on. I wanted to comment on the reaction he got. Even though his arguments are misguided (as he himself pointed out later), I think the idea that he is simply "old" or "out of touch" is sort of sad. The fact is, people seem to insert a wedge between generations or social groups. The "old" think games are trash and won't play them, the "young" think older things are likewise crap. In fact this is the exact kind of thing I mentioned before between the government and the people. And it's not that they can't understand one another, they just don't even try. Oh well.

The other day I found a online copy of the Principia Discordia, which is pretty neat because I always wanted to read it, though most of it seems like fluff. It always gets me thinking that maybe I should start my own religion, one that combined my metaphysical ramblings with more of a structured mythology. The point would be not literal truth but to teach people how to construct their own religius ideas, and the consequences of using them. I donno.

Anyway yeah.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

It's Not Polite to Point

Lately one question seems to enter my mind more then any other: Whats the point? Now I am not a pessimist, and I don't think life is pointless (except maybe when I was a teenager, which is par for the course). Well, okay I sort of think life is pointless, but only in a vague way that has nothing to do with our lives. Basically, I think life doesn't really need a point overall, because thats sort of not the point. See my point?

Okay, okay, look at it this way. Whatever the reason life may exist it has little to do with my OWN life directly. It's up to the individual to find their own point. Or not. In any case, my problem is in motivation not an existential crisis. I got most of my existential crises over with over the last 10 years or so. Nor do I (or even at my worst teenage years) have serious thoughts of suicide or anything.

In fact let me talk about suicide for a moment, because I actually see my fair share of people talking about it online, and I often try to talk them out of it (even if I don't really think they would actually do it). The basic arguments I make is that: 1. Suicide is basically giving up, 2. Things do change (often whether you want them to or not I may add), and 3. There is no proof it will actually solve anything. So there. Don't commit suicide. In fact I rather recommend homicide to be quite honest. But just barely, and only because arguments 2 and 3 apply to it, but 1 only applies most of the time. Lucky for me, while desperate times may call for desperate, measures, my time is no where near desperate. So let's just put the whole mess of killing behind me... though it's nice to know if I were staving I would sooner cut people up and eat them then kill myself, isn't it? ^_^ Okay that joke was in bad taste... And so is this one! *SHOT* Okay okay...

Anyway, extremely dark humor aside, talking about various kinds of -cide is not what I wanted to rant about. It was the fact that a lot of things I think of as pointless, even if life on the whole is not. In fact, I quite enjoy my decedent lifestyle. Living off the government, not working or going to school, you know. It's just, actually doing anything with my life, well, that's sort of the spot I am having trouble with. And I think there are a few interesting reasons for this.

A major one is that I think a lot of the motivation behind people comes from social pressures and cues. In my last rant I talked a bit about the Hikikomori/NEET problem in Japan, but I didn't really get in to details. In anime and some real life pictures I have seen, they seem to live constantly surrounded by clutter. The other day I was looking around my apartment and realized just how much it looked like in the depictions I have seen. A pile of trash and empty bottles on the table, trash over the floor, etc. Of course I cleaned up a bit since then, I basically have to. If I don't I get yelled at. Another thing I neglect is showers. But I hardly sweet, and not many people comment on it, so I usually assume they simply don't notice (and they usually don't I think). No doubt if I had regular friends or - god forbid - a girlfriend, that would change very quick.

Whats more I think is motivation to do other things, like work or projects like my hack, would be a lot higher if I had anyone who actively cared. I would probably write in this blog more if more people commented too (hint hint). Let's face it, other human beings are at least %75 to %80 (maybe more) of why people do things. No matter if it's friends or family, or even strangers online, people's motivations are primarily related to other people. Not all of it's for the benefit of said other people mind you, some just want an audience, or enjoy making them suffer. But regardless, other people are usually involved somehow. There are still some motivations that run deeper then that. Basic survival is one, creating something for your own personal satisfaction is another. And those two may be reducible to a simple drive to exist (and continue to exist in some way even after you die).

And as for my hack, well, I think that kinda was a mix of the two. I started it both because I wanted to be part of a great community, and also because I wanted to explore or spread some of my ideas and philosophical nonsense. Jiggles herself is both a character I have RPed several times and also part of a more philosophical outlook on things. The reason why I continue to work on hacking is primarily because of the community (and also the tools are nice and I like asm but still), and the reason I want to tell the story is primarily because of a kind of wish to tell things that hopefully people will take to heart.

The problem is, on both counts I am undermined by things. On the hacking side, I feel I do a more effective job almost making small patches and helping out people, and on the story side I find I do a more effective job just telling people by basic ideas. So I have been sort of in this mood of not really wanting to do any actually work on my hack, despite the fact it really is ultimately my goal.

So what can I do? I think if people were more interested in it directly, or maybe even worked with me on it, I may do a much better job of being motivated to work on it. Maybe thats my problem, I am just no good doing things on my own. I may have ideas, and maybe even talent, but I am just not focused or motivated enough to do stuff. But at the same time, I don't know if I want to work with anyone else either. I am often lazy, and I am controlling, always wanting to follow MY idea, not someone else's. Hence why I didn't join any of the various community projects sprouting up. Besides that, I think I have been drifting away from the community as a whole, mostly because I only post and go on IRC occasionally as most of the time I just don't care to talk.

Though it could also be mostly just being lazy and/or tired a lot. Maybe I also need some time to get back in the mood for hacking. In any case, I haven't completely given up yet, and my deadline is when the world ends in 2012. After that well... If I am still alive, I will see what happens.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

What happens when figments of my imagination get bored

The following is a collection of notes written about various subjects by Zuru, current maintainer and researcher of the library in “Killovania”.

The statements herein are based on my own opinion and research primarily conducted with the books within this library which maybe unreliable as they are actually manifestations of knowledge accumulated in the mind of the entity known as “Killo Zapit” and as such may be unreliable, however a good portion is actually partial text of other work and is, if unreliable, at least interesting and worthy of study (I would not advice browsing if you are easily offended or disturbed however).

About Other Worlds:

Often other worlds can be strange places, filled with exotic creatures or strange objects, but also just as often filled with things that are familiar, or even outright identical. Traveling between worlds or just observing them though magical means can be quite confusing for people who don't exactly understand what other worlds actually are and why they behave like they do.

As a mage, I am used to using the term “world” informally, as magic users often do, to refer to a number of things. As magic is often used to transcend dimensional barriers as often as to cross physical space, often without being able to tell the difference, the use of the word “world” to refer only to a planet in space as people from universes without magic or equivalent technology often do strikes me as slightly odd, but on the other hand I realized the precise meaning of the terms are often unclear.

Magic users and mystics can refer to other planets in space, other universes, nearby planes, alternate realities, and even states of being as different “worlds”. Thus the term “world” can be thought of as any sort of distinct space, physical, mental or even, rarely, in time, for which a stark boundary exists. For example the “spirit world”, while often occupying the same physical space as another world, is none the less distinct from it because of the class of beings that inhabit it, or the rules that govern it, and there is definitely a sort of barrier between them.

Thus a world is not the same as a “planet”. A “planet” refers only to a physical mass of matter. Though all planets are also worlds, not all worlds are planets. Also there can be more then one world on a given planet. Some people think of a planet requiring a particular shape and size to really count. Usually they need to be round balls, or in some universes, flat circles or squares. Also small rocks, and even some large ones, don't seem to count. There are also “stars” which, at least in most universes, are basically balls of fire and fuel, but they mostly don't count as real matter in magical terms. Of course in terms of science, they actually do count as matter, but are sill not counted as planets. In any case, in some magical systems, planets are thought of as a warped vision of an infinite plane, or a goodly realm, which is really flat but only appears as a circle. Similarity “stars” are similar or actual holes in a massive sphere surrounding the universe, or sometimes even spirits of the dead. It is sometimes hard to tell, without visiting or observing them close up, if this is literally true in exotic magical universes or if this is just a folk explanation.

The term “universe” is much more technical, but shares much of the same ideas as a “world”. The difference is scope and particulars. A “universe” can basically be described as a world that is physically closed, or in other words, there is no way to plot a path from it to another universe. A “plane” is similar accept that planes can “touch” in certain places and in certain conditions. When planes touch at a point, both planes share that point and things can pass between them. Alternate timelines can act this way, as well as planes that serve as an afterlife. Magically, universes are often travailed simply by a process of “connection” where if some aspect of a universe is shared with another, they are in theory connected, but this doesn't always works the way people might expect. Often only projection is possible this way, and limited projection at that. Planer travel works more directly, but if two universes shares a plane, it may be considered one universe by some schools of thought, but it is also thought that if universes to share planes moving though a plane to another universe doesn't count as directly moving from one to the other directly. A system of such indirect links can be known as a “multiverse”. Some schools of thought even discard the concept of planes and just use universes in it's place with a multiverse being like a universe. It usually simply depends on how easy it is to travel between different planes either people consider planes part of their universe or other universes all together.
All of these different types of worlds follow a hierarchy of sorts, from closer to farther, but this isn't a measure of distance so much as a measure of connection. Two planets for example can be quite different, but often follow the same physical and magical laws, unless something about the planet it's self alters those laws. Different planes however, don't often follow all same laws, but usually follow at least some of the same ones, or a general set of them that is slightly different in the details. Other universes don't have to follow the same laws at all, although they can, and there does seem to be a few that repeatedly crop up. For other multiverses, if such a term is applicable, all bets are off. But even then, there is usually one thing that connects everything. Well maybe two or three... it's hard to tell. But what I am talking about is “magic”.

About Reality, Science, Magic:

If there is one thing any true scholar of magic has to deal with eventually, it's the notions of what is real and what is not. Depending on how magic works or is thought to work in any given world, this may not seem like a problem. If all magic comes from a god, or from the planet, or such, people have at least one thing they can latch on to as real. But one might ask: Where does a gods power come from? Where did the planet's power come from? Then people might realize, that they don't really know for sure. This is probably the reason powerful magic users tend to go mad. At least on my world, it was a real possibility and even the sane ones could be... eccentric.

That is one reason why we are often taught, along with magic, philosophy and mental discipline. In order to resist the implications of a power that can change reality as if it were words on paper that can be erased or rewritten. The analogy is apt, because in some ways thats exactly what we are. Possibly in all ways. Of course that is not to say that nothing is ever real, just that it isn't that simple. There are many worlds where there is thought to be no magic. This isn't quite as it appears however. Magic can take many forms, even forms that appear at first glance to be pure science.

But first, I should explain exactly what “magic” and “science” are. Most people I think, have a general idea of what magic is. Magic is, basically, attempting to find the underlining force that controls reality to observe and manipulate it. Science is, in some ways, the complete opposite: Attempting to observe and manipulate things in order to find their underlining source. There is actually a fair bit of hostility between people who practice them despite the fact they are ultimately attempting almost the same thing. One wise may once said "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic”. The usefulness of one over the other is not really fixed. Sometimes, magic is more powerful, and sometimes science is. It all depends on how responsive this underlining source is to direct contact.

Sometimes, people can change reality just by thinking, and sometimes, they never can, except by using things already in their reality. The problem is, if you can change anything just by thinking, nothing really lasts or has substance. Things become unstable and fade or pop into existence only to vanish. Such is the world of human thoughts and dreams. On the other hand when you never can change anything, things become almost completely unable to be changed at all. No progress or real change is possible except by what already exists. In the worst case, time and matter don't really exist at all. There is just nothingness and no way anything can ever be. Luckily most worlds are between the two extremes. Things can change but not without effort.

In my personal experience with magic and other worlds, I came face to face with the possibility that I, and my world, were nothing more then a story written by a being from a “real world” beyond my grasp. It is a disturbing notion but an inevitable one for someone who bends reality and pushes the boundaries of knowledge. It was a possibility my magic training had long prepared me for though. Some people simply reject such a possibility. But such is just denial. I decided instead to look into it.

First, I have to acknowledge that, indeed, this “real world” in fact exists and indeed, I am part of something written about there. But does that mean that I don't have my own existence too? Killo, the one who's library I use for my research at least thinks a valid argument can be made that I exist at least as an idea, and there is no way to tell if that alone is not enough to exist. An interesting idea, but a little unsatisfactory. As an idea, I too may vanish as one who only exist in a mind or dream. However, Killo also thinks if we world to write down a record of my thoughts, this idea can become something a bit more real. This seems to be the way new worlds are born. The one called Muse seems to think so.

As Killo also points out, even in this “real world” there is a element of “magic” that seems intertwined with it. Besides the ideas which have trickled down into written word and other worlds, some seeming almost as real as this “real world”, such things such as the possible spotting of ghosts, strange spiritual beliefs, and even some elements of it's science such as quantum mechanics, point to a world that is at least somewhat unreal.

This “real world” may be simply the base of a world tree of ideas, branching upward and outward into worlds that while less real, still exist in their own way. However I wonder if Killo is making excuses for his own existence as much as mine. In any case, my thought must come from somewhere even if it is from someone's head (who, by the way, is also typing this document, so any topographical errors can be blamed on him). In any case, I have a headache from thinking about it, so I think I will drop this line of thought for now (though a figment getting a headache is interesting in it's self).

(If you got though all that, try clicking on the pictograph)

Monday, September 20, 2010

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Ya know what I'm saying?

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Happy birthday to me!

I know I really should be depressed, being one year closer to death today, but I had nachos today, and no one can be sad with nachos. Though I didn't get any cake yet...

Honestly though birthdays aren't that much different form any other day. If I want to get depressed about being old I have all year for that. I am 31 now yo, that means I can drink Super Beer. Not that I would, I don't drink beer. Oh well.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Watch it, filibuster!

I have noticed that often when I argue with someone I tend to use a lot of abstract sweeping philosophy to justify my behavior. I did it today when arguing about my living situation with someone, and I did it in an old argument I was reading that I had with my brother that I won't link to here because it's dumb. So there. It's not generally a good stratagy to use really, because it's often blatant rationalizing of bad behavior and I know it, the person I am arguing with knows it, and anyone else that might be involved knows it. But at the same time, I feel I must at times at least attempt to explain why I am often not willing to change my behavior.

What it all comes down to really is three things. First, I absolutely refuse to accept any sort of moral high-ground or status quo based argument. Ethics I will accept, provided the argument can be made that clearly shows why my action will directly be unethical. Second, I don't take kindly to regulation for regulation's sake, or to pointless bureaucratic shuffling. I will generally follow rules if I see direct immediate consequence or if I feel doing so would be for my best interest or not doing so would be a clear breach of ethics. Third, I will usually do the minimum I feel I need to do, and generally no more then that, unless I feel fulfilled in doing so. If there is a task I feel is unnecessary, I won't do it.

The underlining reason I keep using for these three things is the same. I believe, and see more evidence of each day, that society and government is oppressive, and generally it is because people LET it become oppressive. In every brutal directorship in history and today, it is the people who choose that it's better to lie low then to speak out, to brutalize and march into battle, to stay and not flee. I realize though, both many people don't see it until it is too late, and many people have reason to fear for friends and family if they act. I also realize that brutal directorship and people telling me I should get a job or clean up better is not at all the same thing. It's just that, for me, it's simply not that easy. I simply can't get up and go to a normal job without, frankly, spending far too much effort then I am willing to. I simply can't tidy up without it feeling like I am pulling my own teeth. And yes, that doesn't mean I CAN'T do both those things, It doesn't even mean I WON'T do both those things if I feel I should, it just means I don't feel obligated to do it upon request.

And yes, it is sort of an excuse, but frankly, there is only so much I am willing to put up with and that amount is slipping more and more. I think I am better then I was at least, but I am usually tired and having my sleep breathing device thingy taken away doesn't help, but I didn't use it as much as I should have so eh. The thing is, even though my general outlook and philosophy is mostly positive, I really have very drive for self-preservation. If worse comes to worse, I may just give up on the whole thing. I would never commit suicide and I would never stop hoping for a brighter tomorrow, but I may decide to withdraw myself and give up on today. I am not at that point yet though.

Also: I got WarioWare DIY a few days ago because some online friends recommended it, and while not perfect (only type of interaction is tapping things for example) it still is quite fun to play around with. I wanted to write a whole blog post on it and the series, but I desided to do this one instead. Next time maybe.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Bltyugh fyitf ufytfugk



I sort of lost track of myself in Dwarf Fortress for a few days. I do that sometimes. Find something that completely overcomes my life for a while. Sometimes it's a project but it's usually a game of some sort. I have also stay up mostly the whole night, though I might do that anyway, game or no game.

But anyway yeah, I sort of forgot about blogging lately. Not that anyone reads this or anything, but since when did that stop me? Anyway I started this blog to practice writing and drawing silly doodles, not to have anyone read... though I wish they would, cause I am vain like that.

Now it's almost 5:00 am here and I feel a tad burned out and I realize I wasted another day playing a silly game and not accomplishing anything. I want to finish my silly hack and someday move to possibly other projects but I just can't work on it. I am just not in the mood for it, but even when I am I never get anything done. I only ever actually work on it if I suddenly get into a mood where it just "works". Sometimes things just flow from my mind and I can get a lot of crap done. It's rather amusingly like a "Strange Mood" from Dwarf Fortress where one of your dwarfs suddenly goes crazy, climbs a workshop, kicks everyone else out of it, collects random junk, and starts working madly on a super valuable artifact till it is completed or the dwarf's little mind snaps leaving him raving mad, berserk, or depressed to the point of suicide. Well I already am raving mad so maybe it IS the same thing.

Anyway, poopcake lingerpotter ziggywoot, and such.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Time to Take out the Trash... Tomorrow I sware.

One of my problems is my apartment is often a mess. This is largely because, in my mind, chores fall into to categories: 1. Chores too small to bother with, and 2. Chores to large to do anything with on my own, with an admittedly weird fuzzy area in between when I just simply "forget" about them somehow. In fact if I wasn't made to clean and if I didn't have help, I hate to think how bad my apartment would be then. Probably not too much worse, as I do have standards even if I almost never live up to them. I have seen one or two messy apartments/rooms that have been far worse then mine. I guess it may be true I rely on other people to help too much, but really, if someone thinks I am taking advantage of them I tell them "then stop letting me take advantage of you already!" in some cases it's a little more complicated then that though, I know.

Lately my parents have been helping me out with stuff after the housing program I am involved with started showing more reluctance to. I can understand why my housing program gets a bit peeved at me about it. Technically, it's not their job to do that sort of thing, but they often have to anyway due to regulations. Quite frankly it's a tad unfair for both of us. For them because they have to work around my frankly quite lazy attitude and tendency to procrastinate, and for me because it rather forces me to either conform to their standard or become the "bad guy" by making things more difficult for them then perhaps is needed. My excuse, which of course is not really accepted, is mostly I simply can't do things their way without stressing myself well beyond what I will accept. Which honestly is not much. I have a strict 0% stress limit on anything I do. But of course I am doomed either way because arguing constantly is stressful too. But not nearly as much as the alternative. My parents, as far as I know, don't have a problem with helping me sometimes.

Now I know I am quite selfish in a lot of aspects. I have for a long time believed in a form of "enlightened self-interest" of sorts, and I have long ago abandoned all pretense of being anything close to humble or altruistic, though I try to restrict blatant egoism to a form of self-depreciating humor. But I can be a jerk sometimes. Often I think I need to. Even if I feel bad about it. But it still shocked and irritated me that someone begain to take my laziness personally, comparing it to a sign of a lack of respect. And honestly, they may be right. I don't tend to respect and appreciate people like others do. I could blame it on my condition, but apparently thats been done enough on the net, to the point where you can't even mention my condition without sounding like a giant prick. Can you guess what my condition is? I will give you a hint. It starts with an "A". I could blame it on my philosophy. But not only would that make me seem MORE like a prick, but my philosophic musing has very little to do with it, being mostly metaphysical, and in fact flatly states an opposite moral view it in many ways. Or I could just say I am a prick and move on. But... Yeah. In any case what it is, is a problem.

So what am I going to do about it? Like most people who have problems like this, probably as little as possible. Because I think I have bigger problems. I feel sorry for people who have to put up with my crap, I honestly do. But at the same time, they can always walk away. They can always give up on me. And I wish they wouldn't, because they are useful, and I try to at least treat them with as much respect as I can. Because while some are just doing a job, others really do care. And I simply will not promise that I will get better and work harder unless I really have to. Because that would be an obvious lie.

On the other hand, for the excuses, runarounds, and frustration people get form me, I do honestly truly believe that simply doing what they say is nearly imposable. I always get the same thing. "Why don't you pick up the mess when you make it?" "Why don't you just do something when you see it needs done?" "Why don't you make an effort to remember things?" Because I haven't been able to do it since I was a child and I simply for whatever reason, either don't see the task or automatically dismiss it. And doing work is anguish for me. No matter what. I hate hate hate work. It's like every time I think of it I am physiologically conditioned somehow to assume every task is backbreakingly hard and painful. And hell, it practically is. I sit or lay down so much expending the effort to walk around is almost painful. But that's my own fault I guess. Still I have to practicably hammer half my brain in to get myself to do anything at all. Maybe I just lack willpower. But half the time I don't even see the point.

Maybe I just need hypnotherapy.

Edit: You know, I made this whole long blog post about the mess on my floor rather then, say, cleaning it. What does that tell you?

Saturday, February 6, 2010

I got nothing.

Don't have much to say today or yesterday. Not that you care. (Yesterday I was thinking of ranting about the Disgaea series and it's spin offs for no reason, but I didn't. I was mostly was gonna complain about how grind-tastic it was and how it needed more character customization, but eh.) I hope I don't give up on this blog, because ranting randomly is fun! (even if no one pays attention)

Monday, February 1, 2010

Blogging is fun!

Every once and a while I find some silly little web thing to do, and then I end up staying up all night fiddling with it and still never am quite happy with it. Oh well, would probably have stayed up all night on TV Tropes if I didn't. Damn you TV Tropes!

I sorta want the rainbow bg to be fixed attachment but I won't because it's baggy and I care about you. See what I sacrifice for my readers? Now if only I had some. Le sigh.