Friday, February 12, 2010

Time to Take out the Trash... Tomorrow I sware.

One of my problems is my apartment is often a mess. This is largely because, in my mind, chores fall into to categories: 1. Chores too small to bother with, and 2. Chores to large to do anything with on my own, with an admittedly weird fuzzy area in between when I just simply "forget" about them somehow. In fact if I wasn't made to clean and if I didn't have help, I hate to think how bad my apartment would be then. Probably not too much worse, as I do have standards even if I almost never live up to them. I have seen one or two messy apartments/rooms that have been far worse then mine. I guess it may be true I rely on other people to help too much, but really, if someone thinks I am taking advantage of them I tell them "then stop letting me take advantage of you already!" in some cases it's a little more complicated then that though, I know.

Lately my parents have been helping me out with stuff after the housing program I am involved with started showing more reluctance to. I can understand why my housing program gets a bit peeved at me about it. Technically, it's not their job to do that sort of thing, but they often have to anyway due to regulations. Quite frankly it's a tad unfair for both of us. For them because they have to work around my frankly quite lazy attitude and tendency to procrastinate, and for me because it rather forces me to either conform to their standard or become the "bad guy" by making things more difficult for them then perhaps is needed. My excuse, which of course is not really accepted, is mostly I simply can't do things their way without stressing myself well beyond what I will accept. Which honestly is not much. I have a strict 0% stress limit on anything I do. But of course I am doomed either way because arguing constantly is stressful too. But not nearly as much as the alternative. My parents, as far as I know, don't have a problem with helping me sometimes.

Now I know I am quite selfish in a lot of aspects. I have for a long time believed in a form of "enlightened self-interest" of sorts, and I have long ago abandoned all pretense of being anything close to humble or altruistic, though I try to restrict blatant egoism to a form of self-depreciating humor. But I can be a jerk sometimes. Often I think I need to. Even if I feel bad about it. But it still shocked and irritated me that someone begain to take my laziness personally, comparing it to a sign of a lack of respect. And honestly, they may be right. I don't tend to respect and appreciate people like others do. I could blame it on my condition, but apparently thats been done enough on the net, to the point where you can't even mention my condition without sounding like a giant prick. Can you guess what my condition is? I will give you a hint. It starts with an "A". I could blame it on my philosophy. But not only would that make me seem MORE like a prick, but my philosophic musing has very little to do with it, being mostly metaphysical, and in fact flatly states an opposite moral view it in many ways. Or I could just say I am a prick and move on. But... Yeah. In any case what it is, is a problem.

So what am I going to do about it? Like most people who have problems like this, probably as little as possible. Because I think I have bigger problems. I feel sorry for people who have to put up with my crap, I honestly do. But at the same time, they can always walk away. They can always give up on me. And I wish they wouldn't, because they are useful, and I try to at least treat them with as much respect as I can. Because while some are just doing a job, others really do care. And I simply will not promise that I will get better and work harder unless I really have to. Because that would be an obvious lie.

On the other hand, for the excuses, runarounds, and frustration people get form me, I do honestly truly believe that simply doing what they say is nearly imposable. I always get the same thing. "Why don't you pick up the mess when you make it?" "Why don't you just do something when you see it needs done?" "Why don't you make an effort to remember things?" Because I haven't been able to do it since I was a child and I simply for whatever reason, either don't see the task or automatically dismiss it. And doing work is anguish for me. No matter what. I hate hate hate work. It's like every time I think of it I am physiologically conditioned somehow to assume every task is backbreakingly hard and painful. And hell, it practically is. I sit or lay down so much expending the effort to walk around is almost painful. But that's my own fault I guess. Still I have to practicably hammer half my brain in to get myself to do anything at all. Maybe I just lack willpower. But half the time I don't even see the point.

Maybe I just need hypnotherapy.

Edit: You know, I made this whole long blog post about the mess on my floor rather then, say, cleaning it. What does that tell you?

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